Healthy anger as an antidote to shame’s freeze response

I’ve done a lot of work on my own shame, but even still sometimes it springs up, seemingly out of nowhere and attacks me again. 

Mostly I would just have to wait it out, feeling terrible, kinda like being caught outside in a storm where the best you can do is find a big rock to sort of block the wind and the rain. But one time when a shame-storm was raging, I was in a strong enough place that although I was getting pummeled by it, I had just enough presence of mind to say “wait, what if instead of cowering like usual and waiting until this storm passes, what if I got really curious about it instead? What if I tried to understand the nature of shame in a deeper way?” 

And so I raised my head up a little and started trying to pay attention rather than just endure. 

One thing that became really clear is that shame’s nature is that it makes us want to hide - from the world, from one another, even sometimes from ourselves. Think about what it takes for an animal to hide in nature. Either you have to camouflage yourself or become very, very still. 

How does this translate to us as humans?

Camouflage 

I think of this as the impulse to fit in, to only have the correct opinions and tastes, even when this means abandoning parts of yourself. This is often one of our coping mechanisms to deal with shame: to try to find safety by fitting in enough. 

But here I want to talk more about the second way: 

Freezing 

Another way of thinking about becoming very very still is as a Freeze response. We tend to have 4 responses to trauma: Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn. Ideally we either fight against the threat or run away to safety. If neither of those are available or if trying them will actually make things worse, our bodies decide for us out of their own ancient instinct and intelligence to either Freeze (ie, playing dead) or Fawn (self abandonment through mirroring or merging with others’ desires or expectations in order to diffuse conflict and find safety). 

Here I’m focusing on Freeze as it relates to shame. 

This “freeze” can be physical, such as needing to crawl back into bed, or a sense of collapse. Suddenly having no energy to do anything. It can also just look like a lot of dissociation. In our modern era many of us dissociate by scrolling or binge watching - our bodies get very still, but our minds stay distracted. 

Getting your healthy fight response back can help thaw the freeze. 

One of the problems with shame is that the threat that is traumatizing us or triggering us is now inside us. What I found in my explorations with myself and with clients is one very useful way to deal with it is to personify shame the way we do when doing Parts Work / Internal Family Systems, and then learn the art of self defense. Learning how to stand up for yourself against the attacker within.

On an energetic level, what this seems to do is use the heat of anger to melt the freeze. 

Healthy anger is a big topic that I plan to write more about another time, but for now let’s just say that healthy anger is not destructive and not abusive, but is rooted in fierce love and protection. 

Shame tells you that you are worthless. By activating your healthy anger towards that shaming voice inside you, you communicate to your system that you and your well being are worth protecting. That you are valuable. That you care about you. 

So you say something back to that shaming voice like “Hey! Not Ok. You need to learn to speak to me more respectfully” Or you say “I’m a human being, and I am fricken allowed to make mistakes. Everyone does. Perfection doesn’t exist. You don’t get to make me feel bad about it all day.”

Just like if you saw someone beating up a kid in an alleyway, you likely wouldn't do nothing, or try to be polite saying “Um, excuse me sir, would you mind not doing that, please?” You would know instinctively that it required a certain amount of head-held-high, shoulders-back, willing-to-fight kind of energy. So too it is here. That’s what we are trying to evoke, on our own behalf. 

Try it, if you are curious. Think of a time when you feel you messed up a bit and where there’s a little shame. Don’t pick anything too big. Like with martial arts training, if you’re a newbie, don’t try to fight a black belt. We want to train slowly and grow the muscle to stand up for ourselves. Pick something small, hear that voice and then notice what your body wants to do in response to shame. Mine always wants to pull my shoulders forward and head down, as if to protect my heart. 

Now call on your Inner Warrior.  Stand up strong and tall and say something like “No. You don’t get to make me feel bad about that forever. You need to figure out to how speak to me with more decency”. 

And then just stay for a moment and feel that. It can be awkward at first. But stick with it. 

I have so many more ways to get in touch with your healthy anger and to deal with shame. If these are struggles for you, reach out, I’d love to be able to help you with them.