Working with the Inner Child to heal the Mother Wound
The bond between a mother and a child is the most primal relationship of our lives. What I see over and over again in my practice is that when something goes wrong with that relationship, the effects run through so many aspects of people’s lives. It strongly impacts their relationship to their bodies, to food, to self worth, and to their sense of belonging in this world, just to name a few.
Our culture does not support mothers and the work of mothering very well. It seems that no one is well set up to give their absolute best selves to their children. But there is also a pronounced difference between imperfect but “good enough” mothering, and the wounding that is born from mothering that is emotionally un-attuned to the child in big and significant ways over time.
For those of us who grew up with what at best can be called “emotionally immature” mothers, we can generally see how they themselves were hurt by their own upbringing, we can see their struggles, their traumas, and we can have deep compassion for them, even as we might also be frustrated by them. But with emotionally immature mothers, that insight, that understanding, that compassion is rarely offered from them back to us in return.
And that seems to be the crux of the problem.
We became more emotionally attuned to them than they ever were to us. To this day, we may feel we take care of them emotionally more than they take care of us. We offer them more grace and understanding than they offer us.
One way to think about this is that the flow of mothering energy is running in the wrong direction. The river is going in the wrong direction.
I grew up in a town where the river had long ago been altered to flow in the opposite direction to help the logging industry. What we now know is that doing this created long lasting ecological damage, including loss of biodiversity, water quality degradation and increased erosion and flooding.
It is the same principal in us.
When the energy is flowing upstream from child to mother, the child part of us is nonetheless hoping that maybe if I can just meet mom’s needs enough, make mom happy enough, she’ll finally see me if give me what I need, too. This sets us up for a whole host of problems.
It’s what keeps us on a constant loop of striving, overextension and disappointment.
The good news is that healing the mother wound is possible. In general it takes time, but giving yourself the time, and getting the support you need is part of the healing.
There are many aspects of healing the mother wound, but one of the best and most effective tools that you can try on you own is what you might call “inner mothering”. This is a tool that helps us stop being at war with ourselves.
Inner Mothering utilizes the concept of the Inner Child. It does many things at once:
It allows for a disentangling of the parts of your psyche that are still acting from the place of a child’s unmet needs from your adult self.
It helps you feel what it is like to be in the seat of your adult self, or your true self.
It establishes a relationship of support, kindness, attunement and listening that the inner child is still looking for
Over time it frees you psychologically and emotionally from hoping certain needs will be met from you mother, which you might wait on forever.
When we are upset or anxious about something in a way that feels to our adult mind a little bigger than the situation actually calls for, often what is happening is that it’s the inner child who is taking control of our emotions. What she needs is our adult self’s attention, love, and soothing. This is the work of Inner Mothering.
Here’s one small way to begin to experiment with this.
find a quiet space where you wont be interrupted for a few minutes
place a hand on you heart or your belly if that feels nice
Make contact with your inner child. Imagine them in your mind’s eye. See how old they are in your imagination today. Create a setting to meet as somewhere they would feel safe, real or imagined.
Find inside yourself the wisest, warmest, and most loving presence. The one inside you who feels compassion, care and curiosity towards the little one.
From that place inside you, say something to the inner child like “Hi little one. I’m you, all grown up. I see that you’re a little upset (if that’s what’s happening). Is it ok if we hang out together for a little while?”
In some cases, the inner child is eager for connection with you. In other cases, she might be skeptical or wary of you. That’s ok. Your work is to just be a calm, warm, caring presence.
If she’s open to connecting with you, tell her that you care about her, or that you love her. See if there’s anything she wants to tell you. Ask her if there’s anything she needs from you.
When it feels complete, leave he with some kind of token of your affection. I’ve had clients make her a table with all the best art supplies, an outdoor library with a tree swing, a warm blanket and a cup of hot chocolate. Whatever would make her feel seen and known is great here.
There are many other ways and layers to do Inner Mothering / Inner Child Work, especially around difficult emotions. Because of my own mother wound, this has become one of my areas of expertise and what a lot of people who come to me want to work on.
If you feel like you could use some support to step into the role of Inner Mother, feel free to reach out or book a session. It’s one of my favorite things to help people with.