Facing our cultural shadow of connection, vulnerability and need

The psychological concept of the shadow was an idea first developed by Carl Jung. I am going to explain it very briefly here, but just know there is a lot more to say about the shadow. 

The psychological “shadow” represents whatever parts of us we reject, repress and disown. The shadow contains all the places in us we believe are unlovable, unworthy or disgusting and that we cannot tolerate acknowledging are actually a part of us. 

For instance, someone who has built an identity on being A VERY NICE PERSON might have a shadow that cannot see or tolerate the places in them that are mean, petty or jealous. They say No, no no, i’m not like that or force themselves back into a smile. Or a person who prides themselves on being strong, will have a deep aversion to weakness or anything that they think will make others think they are weak. They may despite weakness in others and want to punish them for it. 

What lives in our psychological shadows are are a result of what we learned was acceptable or not acceptable in our families, but also in our societies. 

According to Jung, we push these parts into he darkness of our unconscious where we don’t have to see them, and we hope others won’t see them either. But as Jung also said, “until we make the unconscious conscious, it will control our lives and we will call it fate”. 

Here I want to talk about American society and specifically it’s hyper-valuing of independence. Independance is baked right in to who we are as a country, as a people. From the founding fathers forward, independance has been among our most prized virtues. 

And there is a lot of beauty within independence, to be sure. But what I see is that it also creates a big collective shadow about our inter-dependance. About the fact that we are human beings and we need each other. 

This need often gets belittled or even pathologized. And doing so causes us a lot of suffering. 

This is the cultural water in which we are swimming, and it effects all layers of our society. 

I notice that a lot of spiritual and self growth ideas can get caught up in what can sometimes become an over-identification with independence or sovereignty as the goal. I want to be careful and add the nuance that I am NOT trying to say there is no value in independance, or sovereignty, or self reliance. As with most things, balance is usually the key. 

Here’s the thing. Some creatures on earth are born pretty independent. Sea turtles, for instance, hatch, find their way to the ocean, leaving their brothers and sisters, never having seen their mother and they just start swimming eating and going about their lives. 

Humans, on the other hand? We are born as pretty much the most dependent, vulnerable, need-riddled creature that has ever walked the earth. We literally cannot survive without the constant care and affection of others. 

This is how we are made. 

And when we grow up? It changes, but not completely. Study after study shows that strong connections are one of the biggest markers of both mental well being and longevity. 

Our nervous systems are designed to co-regulate with others. We are designed to need each other. 

So if you are out there berating yourself for some version of not being able to do all the things society asks of you all on your own, or feeling bad about needing to call a friend for advice before making a big decision, or wondering why you feel this constant ache of loneliness while living in a culture where community has totally broken down, I’m hoping this can give you just a little permission to give yourself a little grace.